


How It Goes

by notcrindy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: AU where Lup forgets Barry and he's imprisoned in Wonderland for some time, F/M, and love. lots of love, barry has the ptsd this time, based off of a post i read on Tumblr, credit for this idea goes to tardigradeschool as usual, i just want everyone to heal always, this is about trauma and healing as usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-25 20:11:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrindy/pseuds/notcrindy
Summary: Barry holds it together for love.He always has.(Love is not enough to heal, but it can help the process along.)





	How It Goes

This is how it goes:

Lup finds Barry against all odds. 

He can’t even measure out the days; he can’t count them at all after a while. Life in Wonderland blurs as every single day bleeds out, as his energy blurs into the next day and the scenery. They toy with him, sometimes; they like to give him rigged chances at his own freedom, just to watch him suffer. It’s fucked up as hell, but he starts to almost  _ enjoy _ being able to tell Lydia and Edward apart, the same way he used to tell the Twins apart; it gives his life and existence without them purpose. Lydia has a certain dimple when she smiles that Barry notices even in the darkness; Edward’s gait is different, just slightly slower than his sister’s. He counts the differences and never dares to say them out loud.

He doesn’t know how long it is before he sees her face. There’s no way to measure that kind of time, time spent without the love of your life, wondering why she hasn’t found you yet. He’s a lich, and you don’t become one of those without confronting cold hard facts about your condition, especially when you’re trapped without the joy and love that keeps you tethered. He survives on determination alone, but sometimes he feels himself slipping; when Lydia dissolves into madness and screaming from below when she’s  _ defeated _ by god, he knows that he’s just barely missed that fate himself. He never screams; he never wails; he never cries. Wonderland is powered by misery, and he refuses to give the two liches who have been his captors for so long any kind of show. So he… ...withers instead.

He won’t make it much longer, he thinks.

He’s so sorry, Lup, he thinks.

He’s so sorry,  _ everyone. _

Lup had her love for him, but she also had her love for her brother. Those things have no doubt kept her together, kept her whole; he’s thankful for them. He had love for her, but he also had love for  _ so much more than her _ that’s never quite died. Of course it hasn’t, one can’t help but joke a little. He’s tried so hard to remember not only his love for her, and not only his love for the IPRE and everyone’s little quirks but  _ everything. _ When he feels truly on the brink, he tries desperately to remember the feeling of crisp clean jeans; he tries to remember the beauty of a sunrise, the excitement of new knowledge, the warmth and crackling of a fire. They’re distant memories by now, but this is how Barry makes it through.

He’s still so weak by the time she finds him.

In one reality, the cage opens. He falls to the floor, allows himself relief, allows himself to break and be weak only to look into eyes that don’t  _ know _ him. She’s confused, she’s tired; she’s been through so fucking much at their hands already, and so has Taako, and Barry would hurt for them both if he had anything left of himself to give. 

And still, when she asks, “Who?” it’s too much. 

He falls apart and fades.

(She shows Lucretia no mercy, tears streaming down her face, when she remembers.)

In another reality, the cage opens. He falls to the floor, allows himself relief, allows himself to break and be weak only to look into eyes that don’t  _ know _ him. She’s confused, she’s tired; she’s been through so fucking much at their hands already, and so has Taako, and Barry would hurt for them both if he had anything left of himself to give.

She asks the question. “Who?”

He puts it together.  _ Fisher. _

If Barry can just hold himself together long enough, then everything will be okay. He  _ knows _ this because even without her knowing who he is, Lup is more than compelled to help. Taako’s incredibly suspicious of his presence, and Barry doesn’t blame him; they’ve just been tortured at the hands of two liches, and he has no reason to trust some weak energy that just fell out of nowhere. He’s always been the more suspicious of the Twins, ready to take Lup’s hand and run. But Lup’s heart is drawn to him, even if her mind doesn’t remember.

“Taako,” she says, “we have to help him.”

He’s trying to stay there, to just take in the beauty of her face and features. She looks so tired; even though he has nothing, Barry would just give her the rest of what keeps him there just to see her smile. Her eyes are filled with tears now, and she doesn’t understand why. 

Barry wants to wipe all of those away.

Taako scoffs. “What? We’ve been through  _ so much bullshit already,  _ Lulu. For all we know, this  _ thing’s _ just another trap in this Rave of Terror. We gotta make like a banana and  _ split, _ is what we gotta do. Right, fellas?”

“I… I think she’s right, Taako,” Merle admits uncomfortably. “He’s in pretty bad shape, whoever he is.”

Magnus, even in his current state as a mannequin, agrees.

So Barry is rescued by family even though none of them know that they’re family, much less  _ his. _ This time, when Lup recovers her memories, she is so apologetic. She is  _ so, _ so sorry, kissing him frantically and passionately and warmly and it gives him enough. It gives him just enough to get through the rest.

“I love you,” she tells him for the fiftieth time, “I love you so much, Bear, but it’s time to save the world.”

“I love you,  _ too, _ ” he tells her every time, voice cracking. “So go kick some ass.”

She does it, naturally. She does it with the help of everyone else, and everyone  _ remembers _ him now. He’s surrounded by love and support, and that’s enough to get him through it all. He gets a new body, just like Magnus does; he’s so relieved to have one again, to be pulled away from the brink of madness, and for the first little while with his new body he resolves to do and enjoy everything he hasn’t, for--for an  _ indescribable _ amount of time. 

He holds Lup close and relishes in the feeling of having her again, the warmth she naturally gives off; he showers her with kisses and physical affection and she gleefully and gladly allows him to. Taako makes jokes about PDA, but even as he eyerolls up to the ceiling, Barry knows he’s so  _ happy _ for them both, and it’s enough. He takes long hot showers; he takes long  _ cold _ showers. Lup makes him his favorite meals every day, and he enjoys them all like he’s never enjoyed food before. He spends time with everyone at the beach, scampering around with Merle’s kids with reckless abandon. He stargazes with Captain Davenport, who’s quieter now, who has a lot to grapple with himself. To his relief, he remembers some of the constellations on this world.

But he gets tired now, much quicker than before. Lup reminds him to take it easy after the first week back in his body is up and he just about collapses because he’s forgotten to sleep. He spends the  _ next _ week trying to adjust by sleeping  _ extra, _ and she doesn’t disturb him and only cuddles him, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. It’s such a deep sleep that he doesn’t remember her waking him for food or bathroom breaks; it’s dreamless.

The third week, he realizes he’s  _ still _ tired. He can’t articulate it, but there’s just this exhaustion deep in his bones.  _ Everyone _ is recuperating, so he feels foolish saying anything; he knows Lup still notices, though, from the concerned glances she gives him. She starts out trying to tug him into doing all that great stuff from before at the beginning of the week, and then by the week’s end, she’s letting him rest.

He’s roused from sleep still.

“I’m so fucking  _ sorry, _ Barry,” she whispers to the darkness.

“For what, babe?” He knows.

“Don’t play dumb with me.” She knows, too. “I’m so  _ sorry _ I forgot you, I didn’t find you, I--I can’t imagine what it was  _ like _ there for  _ so long _ and I’m…” There are tears pouring down her cheeks now, voice faltering with remorse. “...I’m so fucking  _ sorry. _ ”

“Hey, hey,” he tries to soothe her, kissing some of her tears away. “Hey, it’s… ...it’s not your  _ fault, _ Lup. You still  _ found _ me. That’s… ...that’s a miracle where I come from, you know? I’m  _ okay _ now.”

“You’re  _ tired, _ ” she accuses of him.

He laughs, something worn. “Can you  _ blame _ me?”

“...No. I guess not.”

After enough deflection, the subject is dropped. He starts to have nightmares of it there, the rave music and the taunts. He’ll wake and see Lydia’s face in place of Lup’s and  _ hate _ himself, bring himself back down just enough so he doesn’t concern her. It takes several weeks of this, coupled with a few phrases or mannerisms the Twins have that remind him of the liches, before he breaks.

He breaks and he’s a lich, all raw emotion and hurt.

He breaks because she uses a phrase she doesn’t mean to, some quirky thing that Lydia might use, and he hears it in Lydia’s voice and  _ not hers. _ He breaks and all that he’s been holding back--all the hurt, all the  _ rage, _ all the terror and the confusion--it all melts away like his human form melts away, to make way for his screaming and  _ wailing. _ He tries to be aware enough to know that there’s terror in Lup’s eyes, but it’s hard, and she overcomes that just to hold him.

“Bear, you’re safe now. I know you’ve been alone for so long, but you’re--you’re safe now, okay?” She doesn’t cry, not this time; her voice is even and gentle. “Come back to me, baby. I’m right here. We’re okay.”

She hums a song--at first his wailing drowns it out, but then he starts to recognize it. It’s the song they played together all those cycles ago, something that used to haunt his nightmares and dreams so often, but he feels warm and safe in her arms. She cradles him, tolerating the wailing until it dies down into broken sobs, soothing him and humming. She kisses him so gently. “I know, I know. You were so alone and so afraid and I’m so  _ sorry, _ but I’m here now.”

He lets himself sob. Until the human form is back and--and  _ exhausted. _ He’s so tired now. “Lup, I--I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m okay.”

“I know, baby,” she coos, rocking him gently. “You don’t have to be, okay?”

“I’m changed,” he tells her distantly, eyes heavy.

“I know,” she reassures him. “You don’t have to be the same. I love you no matter what.”

“That part  _ hasn’t _ changed,” he murmurs as if realizing it himself.

“Nope. Never will, either. I’m there for you.  _ Always. _ ”

That’s enough for him to drift away into sleep.

For the first time in a long time, Barry Bluejeans feels safe. He feels like he might heal; he feels like he might recover; he feels like he might be  _ okay. _ For the first time since the whole fiasco, he feels free to  _ love _ and  _ love with his whole heart, _ unbroken and unabashed, and he realizes even as he drifts what a fucking  _ triumph _ that is, realizes for the first time since everything that his spirit isn’t broken.

In his dreams, Barry falls out of the cage.

In his dreams, Lup catches him.

**Author's Note:**

> gosh, i can't believe another one of Sophie's posts got me to Write a Thing. i'm going through a lot of life changes lately, so things have been hard; if i haven't responded to your positive attention, i'm sorry! i'm doing my best. <3 but i was so inspired by this today, so here it is. i love you all.


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